Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Randomize
