Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
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