he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I forget how to act sober
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
