Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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