last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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