Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize
