She went from zero to smokin in five shots
she told me i tasted like america
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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