Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
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