Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Randomize
