id be glad to
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
