K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
