did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
