if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
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