dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
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