I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
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