My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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