Sorry, I don't speak sober.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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