I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
