Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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