he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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