he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
We're using joints as your birthday candles
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Holy shit dude........stairs
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
