i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize