I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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