covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
