Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
