Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
