meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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