Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
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