Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
