she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Randomize
