pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
