well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize