I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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