I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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