you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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