I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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