Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
