he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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