how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize