he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
