I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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