there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
