Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
