please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
