I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
