God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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