i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
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