Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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