burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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