The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
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