This is not my ceiling
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Randomize
