I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
