just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Randomize
