there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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