you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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