I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
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