apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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