If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
